Will Tango For Tulips

I’m here to talk to you about mustaches. Yes mustaches. Not only are they manly, they also provide many other underrated advantages. I’ll give you TEN reasons why mustaches are totally awesome. ONE: They can be used to store food. Man, that steak was delicious, I wish I had more. BUT WAIT!! With a mustache, you can! Pick a few tasty morsels out, and relive that steaks former glory! TWO: They can help block the wind and/or cold. Man, it sure is windy/snowy out here. But with a mustache, your upper lip is nice and toasty!  THREE: More regal then a full beard, and more badass then a clean shaven face. What would have happened if Snidely Whiplash didn’t have his dastardly mustache? He’d be just another random dude. But with his dastardly mustache, he because AN ARCHVILLAIN. How cool is that? All thanks to a badass mustache. FOUR: Mustache’s when designed properly can be substitutes to hang gliders and floating devices, making them emergency-use friendly. Hey guys, lets go hang gliding! But you don’t even have a hang glider. No, BUT I HAVE A MUSTACHE. OH NO! Our plane crashed into the atlantic ocean! Every one, grab your floatation devices and remain calm! No thanks, flight attendant! I’ll just use my SICK-ASS MUSTACHE! And of course you would be calm. Because you have a mustache. FIVE: It gives you something to twirl while contemplating what awesome thing youre going to do that day. Just imagine sitting around trying to think of something to do. Then image sitting around trying to think of something to do…WHILE TWIRLING YOUR MUSTACHE.  Man that is awesome. A top hat and/or monocle may or may not be involved in this process.  Which would make it even more awesome. SIX:  This bad ass quote would apply to you “There are two kinds of people in this world that go around mustacheless — boys and women — and I am neither one.”  You know who said that? The fucking Greeks. SEVEN: You can offer free mustache rides.  And you know what? People would pay YOU for mustache rides. Because mustaches are AWESOME. EIGHT: Lions will not attack you, for they fear the wrath of your mustache. They respect the mustache. It’s the human version of their mane. While this doesn’t work on eyebrow snakes, the eyebrow snake WILL eat you last if you’re in a group. They too, respect the mustache. They just don’t fear it. NINE: Having a mustache WILL get you out of a speeding ticket.  What seems to be the problem, officer? As you sit there twirling your ‘stache. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! No officer of the law will give you a ticket if you have a mustache. It’s in the officer oath. Or pledge. Or whatever officers have. They will RESPECT AND PROTECT THE MUSTACHE ABOVE ALL ELSE. That’s how awesome mustaches are. TEN: The tenth and final reason why mustaches are awesome is simply this: Tom FUCKING Selleck.

I’m going list a few AWESOME, MANLY men that have sported the noble mustache over the years. Mario. Yeah, that’s right. Mario. That’s why he always rescues the princess in the end, and bowser will never win. Because Mario has a mustache. Kaiser Wilhelm II. Yeah, that’s right, a damn KAISER has a badass mustache. That thing is truly epic. You should check it out. Those two are all you ever need to look up to. And of course the aforementioned Tom Selleck.

And one more interesting mustache fact. On the Eighth Day, God created the Mustache in his image, and it was good.

edit: I think that was pretty good for getting written in about 10 minutes.

edit2: feel free to change sick-ass mustache to sick ass-mustache for a different reading experience.

edit3: if you’re lucky, i might actually format this. but after you read this, didn’t you have a feeling of accomplishment after having beaten this travesty of modern literature? I know I did.